Hope and a Fighting Chance, Chap. 3

Chapter 3

It turned out that Joker and Garrus had been right...  Perhaps all that Shepard really needed in order to beat the Reapers and save the galaxy was someone that loved him.  If the last few weeks were any indication, at least.  Simply put, the Commander was on a roll.  He had just killed another Reaper, ended the quarians v.s. geths conflict without having to sacrifice either side, and now, they even had Tali back.

According to EDI, Shepard's biometrics showed a significant decrease in terms of stress levels, as well as an increase in his reflexes and his ability to achieve and maintain optimum levels of concentration.  He still had nightmares occasionally, but thankfully, they were now the exception instead of the norm.

If he'd ever had any fears about their relationship being a distraction, or interfering with their duty to the crew and their mission, they had also proved to be unfounded.  Shepard had always been very good at inspiring the trust and respect of the people serving under him, mainly because he also made a point of showing the same level of consideration, professionalism, and respect to his crew.  Duty hours were duty hours, both of them being strictly professional in their interactions and keeping their attention entirely focused on their objectives.

And Kaidan had to admit, they truly did work well together.  He was especially happy to notice that despite the fact that they were now romantically involved, Shepard still showed a complete trust in his abilities as a soldier, a Spectre, and an Alliance officer.

Shepard had even gotten mad at him once when Kaidan had raised the doubt that his nomination as a Spectre may not have really been earned, or even "valid", considering that it was probably all part of Udina's plans.  He'd reminded him that although Udina was the one that had suggested his nomination; the rest of the council had been the ones to vote on it.  They'd obviously believed that he had what it took to take on such responsibilities, and so did he.

Although Shepard admitted worrying about him sometimes, nicknaming him his "danger magnet", he knew that Kaidan wasn't reckless nor did he make a habit of overestimating his abilities.  The risks that he took were generally very calculated.  They kept each other safe, but also fought very hard to keep themselves safe; knowing that they were a team now and that what happened to one would inevitably affect the other.

Thankfully, the crew also seemed very accepting of their relationship, and it didn't change their attitude towards them either.  Well, almost.  Kaidan had noticed that a few people had taken the habit of coming to see him and ask for his advice when there was some delicate matter that they needed to bring to the Commander's attention.  The more sensitive the subject, or the bigger the "favor" they needed to ask, the more likely they were to push things a bit further and subtly try to suggest that he should be the one to speak to Shepard about it.

But otherwise, during duty hours, everything pretty much stayed the same.

Downtime, however...

Hey, I'm so happy. That's all. How can the future be so unsure and so bright at the same time? Yours, Kaidan.

"I really do not understand how you appear to be gaining such pleasure from typing on these primitive devices.  Yet each time I've seen you use one, it seems you are smiling like an idiot."

Looking up from his omnitool's communication interface, he saw Javik observing him from across the table with what could be described as a mix of annoyance and puzzlement.  Although it was hard to tell, considering that the prothean always looked profoundly discouraged whenever he shared his oh so illuminating observations about this cycle's many oddities with them.

"I doubt that it's the device itself that's making Kaidan smile, Javik."  Liara pointed out.  She had insisted that it would do him some good to leave the cargo room, and join them for lunch.  Javik, however, didn't look all too convinced.

"I see.  That would explain the spike in his pheromones levels..." he commented with his usual attitude of utter disinterest.

"Too much information..." James stated.

"Hey!  Do you mind?  Was there no such thing called "privacy" in your cycle?" Kaidan asked, somewhat annoyed that the prothean thought that his current state of mating readiness would make for some good public reading.

"We just had better control over the information that we wished to project."

"When you think about it, it must've been useful.  Imagine being able to know right away the exact nature of someone else's feelings for you..."  Garrus wondered.

"Sadly, I fear I won't be of any assistance to you, seeing as your quarian's suit blocks my readings."

Joker couldn't resist laughing "Oh...  This is too good..." he whispered to himself, while the turian looked positively mortified.

"What?  I never said..."

"You didn't have to." Javik stated.

"Okay, that's it.  I'm with you on that whole "privacy" issue, Kaidan." Garrus said, sitting back with his arms crossed, glaring at the prothean.

"Thank you."

Javik just rolled his eyes...  All four of them.

"Considering that this ship already has ears and eyes, I'm surprised you are still under the illusion that privacy is something you can still maintain."

Joker sighed, already starting to get tired of Mr. Chock-full of sunshine (as he liked to call him in private)'s attitude "Does it mean we are back on the "all AIs are evil" diatribe?"

"I've learned that it would be an utter waste of breath.  Despite fighting the Reapers, you people seem to have a complete lack of common sense and preservation instincts.  First, you put your faith into these thinking machines.  And then, at least three people sitting at this table are genuinely attracted to mates that they can't even procreate with."

"Well, at least the attraction is genuine..."  Kaidan said with a little smirk.

"Liara, you better start watching yourself...  I think Javik may have his sights on you."  Joker teased.

"I most certainly do not!" the prothean answered, looking what Kaidan supposed was "offended".

"Well, that's easy for you to say when you know that no one else here can read you." Garrus replied with the turian's version of a self-satisfied smirk.

"Don't I have any say in this?" Liara objected, the thought of having little asaris with Javik apparently no more appealing to her.

"Think about it, Liara.  What better way to preserve the protheans' legacy than to ensure the transmission and conservation of their genetic material."

"That isn't quite how it works, Joker." she said, frowning at him.

"So how exactly does it work?  I know that EDI's been dying to know."

"I already told you whether or not my "hair tentacles" moved, you're on your own."

"Spoilsport."

James chuckled.  "I bet Javik is wondering why he still hasn't given up on this cycle yet!"

"Your Commander has managed to get two Reapers killed since I joined the Normandy."

"Fair point." the lieutenant conceded.

"So, did I miss anything interesting?" Shepard asked, as Kaidan instinctively turned in his direction at the sound of his voice.  He set down his food tray on the table and gave him a quick peck on the lips before sitting down next to him.

"Apparently, Javik is worried that our cycle will go extinct because people like you and I, Commander, have forgotten how to breed." Joker said, making the Commander laugh.

Kaidan smiled, simply happy to see Shepard relaxing, and enjoying himself.  Considering that he had informed them earlier that, whatever the asari councillor was expecting them to find on Thessia, it was probably going to be big and might even be the missing piece to their anti-Reapers super weapon; he was glad that Shepard was at the very least taking some time off before the beginning of their mission.

"And here I thought that after having helped cure the genophage, our contribution to repopulating the galaxy had been done.  Besides, I would make a terrible father..."

"Why's that?"  Kaidan wondered.  Okay, so they'd never actually talked about whether or not either of them was interested in eventually adopting and raising children.  To tell the truth, with the war going on and so much being uncertain, this was pretty far down their list of priorities.  But he'd never known that Shepard was under the impression that he wouldn't be a good parent.

"Are you kidding?  Before I finally found that aquarium VI, I kept forgetting to feed my fishes, and the poor little buggers kept dying on me." he explained, looking a bit sheepish.

Kaidan couldn't resist a smile.  The great Commander Shepard:  Captain of the Normandy.  The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel.  And slayer of the evil clown fishes.

"Oh, I don't know Commander.  I'm sure that there was something very wrong with these fishes.  I tried going to your cabin in between missions to feed them, and I swear, they always ended up belly up within two weeks!" Joker said.

"Wait, so you went to Shepard's cabin to feed them?"  Garrus asked, sounding surprised.

"Yeah.  I figured that he had more pressing matters to worry about, and since he told me he kept forgetting, I thought that it wouldn't hurt to give him a hand..." the pilot replied.

Garrus laughed.  "See, I had the same wonderful idea."

"Wait...  Shepard, to how many people did you complain about forgetting to feed the damn fishes?"

Shepard shrugged "I might have had a bad week at some point, and felt the need to vent..."

The turian opened the communication interface of his omnitool, and began punching in a number: "Tali, I have a question." he spoke.

"Anything for you, Garrus." the quarian replied, her voice perhaps just a tad bit too honeyed.

"Well, I sure don't need a pheromones reader to read this one." James said, chuckling a bit.  Even Kaidan couldn't resist smiling.

"I...  Uh...  Ahem."  Garrus threw them all a look before quickly recovering. "We were wondering.  Did you, by any chance, help Shepard feed his fishes back in the Collectors days?"

"How did you know?" Tali asked, surprised, while everyone at the table (minus "Prothy the prothean") began laughing.

"Thanks, Tali.  I'll explain later, I promise."  Garrus told her, before closing his omnitool.

"Wow, no wonder the poor things kept dying." Joker said.

"On second thought, maybe it's better that none of you have any intention to procreate.  You have renewed my faith in natural selection."  Javik stated.

Joker shrugged, still smiling.  "See, there's always a silver lining."

"Still, I'd expect you to be more focused on this war, and less on each other."

"What can I say, we're all doing this the turian way."  Garrus supplied.

This, apparently, seemed to catch the prothean's attention.  It was no secret that despite finding him odd at times, Javik actually respected the turian's opinions.  The stronger your military background and your interest in war tactics, the more likely you were to be able to carry an actual conversation with him.

"Care to explain?"

"Turians understand that the best way for a soldier to be fully committed to the fight is to, ideally, have few regrets, and no unresolved issues.  If you've already attained a certain sense of closure in life, than you'll be ready should the time come to make the necessary sacrifices." the turian explained, while Javik seemed to give it some thoughts.

"I see..."

"Also, as cold as it may sound, from a strategic point of view, it's a win-win scenario.  The strongest your connection to another, the more you have to loose, and the hardest you are going to fight to preserve it.  And should the worst come to pass, all that pain and rage will fuel your resolve and your need for retribution."

"Then we may not all be so different, after all." Javik replied quietly, his voice almost pained.  And Kaidan realized that while the prothean came off as severe and often insensitive towards other people; his warnings and reflections may simply be a way for him to try to protect them all from making the same mistakes he'd been forced to witness in the past.  It was easy to forget what Javik had been through, if any of them could even begin to comprehend it.

Kaidan had to wonder how well he would personally be coping if he'd suddenly awakened from a 50 000 years slumber, only to learn that the Reapers had succeeded in destroying all that he'd ever cared about and fought for, and that he was now the very last human in existence.  How easily would he manage to adapt to such a strange world, both familiar and alien, where even little things that he had come to take from granted, such as the means to communicate with others, were completely different?

No one there to truly have any intimate understanding of who he was...  No one else sharing the same values and culture.  Surrounded by people both curious about, and probably fearful of him.

After having lost so much, would he be trying to make new friends?  Or would he simply try to stop himself from becoming crazy by erecting some protective emotional barriers between these new people and himself, focussing on avenging what was lost and preventing any other cycle from having to live through the same pain he'd have to endure instead.

Javik was probably the strongest of them all, and had likely been a very open and caring individual, once.  By fighting alongside them as he did, he was actually proving that he still was.  They could hardly ask for more.

Judging by the silence that had followed his last comment, it seemed that he wasn't the only one to have reached that same conclusion.

"Shepard, we are one jump away from the Parnitha system, en route to Thessia." EDI announced through the com. system.

"Alright, Joker, I guess that's your cue."

"Aye aye Commander."

"Everyone else, break's over, time to get ready."

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The mission on Thessia... hadn't gone quite according to plans.  As far as Kaidan was concerned, they had done the best they could under the circumstances, but sadly, it hadn't been enough to succeed in saving the planet.

An entire home planet lost, crucial information about the Catalyst stolen by Cerberus, and Liara...  The "young" asari had just witnessed the fall of her civilisation.  The general mood on the Normandy was extremely heavy, and Shepard seemed to be running left and right, trying to do some damage control, working hard to keep everyone together.

Thanks to Traynor, they still had a lead on Kai Leng's whereabouts, and were now headed towards Sanctuary on the colony of Horizon.  Of course it had to be Horizon, where else?  Might as well add to the angst and revisit old memories.

"Kaidan, I am sorry to bother you, but I've been wondering...  When was the last time that you personally interacted with Shepard?"

"A few hours ago when he came to see how everyone down in engineering was holding up, why?"

"He and Jeff had a bit of an argument earlier.  He seems to be taking what happened during the last mission...  not well.  He has locked himself in his cabin, and won't answer to my calls.  I don't expect him to be in any real danger, however, his biometrics now show a fairly high level of distress."

"Thanks EDI, I'm on it..." he answered, immediately making his way to the elevator, cursing himself for not having been more attentive to how Shepard must have been feeling when he saw him earlier.

"Oh no..."

"What's wrong, EDI?" he asked, concerned.

"Your stress levels now almost mirror his.  I didn't mean to cause any of you more grief..."

Despite everything, he couldn't help but laugh a bit "That's called the worried boyfriend syndrome, EDI.  Don't worry, everything's going to be fine.  You did the right thing."

"I...  Thank you...  I will give you two some privacy, but please don't be afraid to call if you need anything."

He smiled "Thanks EDI, I'll do that."

"EDI, out."

Coming out of the elevator, Kaidan decided to try knocking on the door first.  Although Shepard had made it pretty clear that these were now to be his "unofficial" sleeping quarters, and that he was welcome to come in pretty much at any time, he still felt that it was important for Shepard to have a little piece of space in the galaxy that he could still control, despite all the madness.

"Shepard, it's me.  I know you're there...  I'm coming in, alright?" he asked, frowning a bit when he received no answer.  Under normal circumstances, he would have respected his lover's need for privacy...  However, considering what they had just gone through, Kaidan had no intentions of letting Shepard shut him out.

Entering the code to unlock the door, he quietly stepped into the Commander's quarters and, not seeing him anywhere near his office, slowly made his way towards the lounging / sleeping area.

He found Shepard sitting on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees and his head in his hands.  He looked a bit like Kaidan did when he had one of his worst migraines...

"Shepard?" he called quietly, but Shepard only kept looking at the floor, ignoring him.

Kaidan sat down next to him and tried to put a comforting hand on his shoulder, only to have him immediately shrug it off.

"Please don't do that..." Kaidan said gently, swallowing the lump in his throat and trying not to let Shepard's reaction sting.  This wasn't about him and his own fears of rejection right now...  It was about Shepard, and trying to help him overcome whatever was troubling him.  "If you don't want me to touch you, that's fine.  But I'm not going anywhere, so you might as well talk to me."

He heard Shepard sigh, and could see that his shoulders were shaking a bit.  He wanted nothing more than to grab the other man and draw him into his arms...  Try to protect and shelter him from any pain he was feeling, but he resisted the temptation.  Instead, he just stayed there, within reach; ready to be whatever his lover needed him to be.

Eventually, Shepard straightened up a little and removed his head from his hands, looking up at Kaidan with reddened, lost looking eyes.  His face was dry, but he looked about ready to either collapse or explode from the pressure within.

"Five billion people..." he began in a broken voice.

"Shepard..."

"We've just lost a planet of over five billion people..." he stated, visibly distraught.

"I know." Kaidan answered, the enormity of the situation not lost on him either.

"I promised these people that I would save them...  Told them that if they could hold on for just a little while longer...  buy us some time...  we could do this and save their planet..."

"Shepard, you did everything you could..." Kaidan began, only to be interrupted by a very angry Shepard.

"IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH!"

"Shepard..."

"Once again, I let my guards down and forgot what Cerberus was truly capable of.  And now, an entire homeworld...  a whole civilisation...  is lost because of my mistake!"

Kaidan frowned...  Was he really suggesting...

"Is that what this is all about?  You underestimating Cerberus?"

"Perhaps you're the one who's been right all along...  And I've always just been the Illusive Man's puppet."  Shepard said, his voice filled with disgust.

For all I know you could be their puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man himself.

He knew how unfair and cruel his words had been, no matter how confused he'd felt back then.  But Shepard had always showed confidence in who he truly was, no matter who was doubting him...  To see him lose faith in himself, and turn these words against him caught Kaidan off guard, and made his own temper flare up.

"Okay, that's it!  I'm going to assume that it's the shock of what's happened that's making you talk like that, because THAT is the most insane thing I've ever heard!"

Shepard's gaze only grew colder "Weren't you the one holding me at gunpoint not so long ago?  Didn't seem so crazy back then, did it?  Perhaps you should have taken the shot..." he scoffed.

It felt like a slap across the face, but Kaidan took a deep breath, and simply held his lover's gaze.  If he let his own pain and anger get the best of him, then he knew that the situation would simply escalate to the point where they would both end up saying things that would be near impossible to recover from.

Shepard seemed to be in a self-sabotaging mode...  Trying to snuff out the pain by cutting all emotional ties to the world.  He had to look pass the words to see the man lost and suffering inside...  Find a way to reach out to him...

"If I had, not only would I then have turned that same gun on myself; but the Council, the quarians, the geths, and countless others would be dead because you weren't there to protect them..." he said in a very calm and soothing voice.

Shepard just kept blankly staring at him, but his eyes seemed a little bit less cold.

"I know you're in pain, and scared and...  angry.  But turning all of it against yourself or trying to push me away won't help..."

Shepard let his eyes drop to the floor and stayed quiet for a few seconds, until he finally whispered in a broken voice "I'm not even human anymore...  How can you even care for me?"

"I..." Kaidan began, and then stopped.  It occurred to him that mere words wouldn't convince him.  He could tell the man he loved just how great and wonderful he was for hours, what he needed was to find a way for Shepard to "feel" it...  Believe it...  The realization needed to come from within.

"I need you to do something for me...  Just one thing...  And then, if that doesn't convince you...  then I'll go."

"I'm not playing games, Kaidan" Shepard replied, sounding very tired, and wary.

Kaidan tentatively put a finger under Shepard's chin, delicately lifting his head so that he could now look him in the eyes.  At first, the other man kept looking down, but eventually lifted his gaze to meet his.

"Neither am I.  But I believe that you owe me that much..." he said, offering him a tentative smile.

Shepard seemed to consider it for a few seconds, and then gave him a little nod.  Good.

"I want you to pretend that I was the one that the asari councillor spoke to, and put in charge of that mission." he began, still holding Shepard's chin and keeping his eyes on his, making sure that he had all of his attention.  "That I am the one that's been warning galactic leaders about the Reapers threat for months, without receiving any support from them.  The one that's been called delusional and misguided, while all these people wasted precious time they could have had getting more prepared for these attacks.  Imagine that I am the one that was put in charge of unifying the galaxy against a common threat, all the while also trying to gather resources to complete the Crucible, and strengthen our military forces.  Picture, if you will, that I've been charged to retrieve a relic that has been hidden by the asari government in order for their race's technology to remain more advanced than other species...  A secret that, if it had been shared before Thessia came under attack, may already have given us the means to save it.  And now, on top of it all, imagine that Cerberus, through some incomprehensible and unforeseen bad luck, managed to make it pass both asaris and Reapers forces entirely undetected, used the element of surprise to overpower us, and managed to steal the only thing that could lead us to the Catalyst from us.  I am Kaidan Alenko, human Spectre, and these are all the expectations that have been thrown upon me ever since the world went to Hell.  What would you be telling me?" he asked, letting go of Shepard's chin, but keeping his gaze intent.

"Kaidan, I..." Shepard began, letting his head drop and going back to staring at the floor.

"No.  What would you say to me?" he asked again, this time delicately putting his hands on either side of Shepard's face and lifting his head towards him, locking it into place, forcing him to maintain eye contact.  He wasn't letting that one go...  He wasn't letting him go.

Shepard sighed, all traces of his previous anger gone.  Now he only looked tired...  defeated, almost.  He didn't even have any energy left to resist...

"I would tell you that..." he drew in a shaky breath "you did the best you could...  And that, the odds of succeeding were already pretty desperate at best..."

Kaidan nodded slowly, fighting hard to keep it all together, relief washing over him as Shepard finally began opening up to him, instead of fighting back...  "Go on..."

"I'd tell you that, given the resources and support you've been offered thus far...  What you've already managed to accomplish exceeds expectations..."  Shepard voice and body was shaking, and his eyes were welling up.

Kaidan found himself both profoundly moved, and mesmerized...  He'd never known a man to have more compassion and faith in people than Shepard.  No matter what, his lover always found the right things to say to help people overcome their own difficulties and limitations, to alleviate other people's sadness and guilt.

But as understanding towards others as Shepard was, it seemed that the man had never learned to be as compassionate and understanding towards himself.  Shepard was a survivor, first and foremost.  He'd grown up among street gangs back on Earth, and then had been the only one to make it out in once piece on Akuze.  Going "easy" on himself was probably never something he had been taught to do.

It occurred to Kaidan that, although indirectly, this might be the very first time that anyone had ever asked Shepard to turn that empathetic voice on himself.

As Shepard looked down, trying to hide the tears that were threatening to fall, and his perceived weakness, Kaidan delicately let go this time.  Shepard was confronting and acknowledging his feelings, and working through them instead of trying to self-destruct.  He'd been brought to the point that he'd wanted him to reach, and that was enough.

"I'd remind you that...  that you're only human, and...  and though you're trained to expect the unexpected, there are always circumstances that can and probably will escape your control...  You have to learn to work with them...  and learn...  and..."

When Shepard looked back up, he was no longer holding back his tears or trying to stay in control.  The way he was looking at Kaidan now, completely stripped of all emotional walls, his gaze so open and trusting, was threatening to make Kaidan's own emotional control slip...  "And I'd tell you just how very beautiful you are to me...  And just how much I love you and need you right now."

That just did it.  Kaidan's lips crashed onto his in a kiss that was both passionate and desperate, as he felt himself completely come undone in the other man's arms.  For a few minutes they just held onto each other, crying quietly, drawing as much strength and comfort from the mutual contact as they could, releasing all the pain, tension, and turmoil they'd both felt from recent events.

Eventually, the tears began to slow, the trembling began to stop, and Kaidan was able to find his voice again.  "I love you too...  So much..." he said, his voice still catching a bit in his throat "And just so you know, I could never have pulled that trigger...  I'd have let you kill me long before things ever got that far."

"I know, and I'm so sorry.  You didn't deserve what I said...  I was just..."

"In pain, I know." Kaidan said, sitting up a bit so that he could now look at him.  "Considering all the harsh words that I've said to you both on Horizon and on Mars, it would be unfair of me to hold it against you.  If you can forgive me, so do I".

Shepard nodded, then smiled a bit "Good to know you're not ready to give up on me yet." he answered, wiping the last tears from his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Never." Kaidan said, smiling back. "Now that I've got you, I'm never letting you go.  And you know just how very stubborn I can be."

Shepard chuckled a bit "Yeah."

"I'm here for you, Shepard.  Whatever you need."

His lover seemed to take a few seconds to consider his words, let them sink in.  Whatever happened, they were in this together now.  No matter how bad things got, he knew that as long as Kaidan still had an ounce of life in him, he would never let him down...  He would never have to face any of this alone.  That thought gave him strength...  Made him believe that as long as they were together, they could still win this.  They would succeed in retrieving the information they needed from the Illusive Man...  And they would succeed in stopping the Reapers from completing their work on this cycle.  What had happened on Thessia had been a major setback, but they were not done yet.

"For now, just hold me..." Shepard said quietly, settling himself comfortably in Kaidan's arms, so that his head was resting on his chest, just above his heart.  He felt his lover pull him a bit closer, securely holding him in place, before kissing the top of his forehead and resting his own head on top of his.

Lulled by the peaceful sound of Kaidan's heartbeat, and exhausted, Shepard eventually fell asleep.  Careful not to awaken him, Kaidan managed to carry him back to his bed, and carefully undressed him, before tucking him under the covers.  Once he was done, he took off his own clothes and settled in next to his lover, gingerly holding him in his arms, and watching the hypnotic rise and fall of his chest.

"I'll always be with you...  No matter what..." he whispered softly, before finally joining Shepard in a peaceful, dreamless sleep.