Worth Living For, Act I, Chap 1

Chapter 1

The Commander was crazy - completely, utterly crazy.  He'd trained and fought alongside vanguards before, but this… Could this even be called fighting?

It was more like watching a giant freight train striking down everything in its path!  To tell the truth, Kaidan had no idea that biotics could even be used in such a way.

One second, the Commander was standing right next to them, giving his orders and assessing the situation - the next, he was gone!  Vanished!  All he could see was their enemies in the distance flying all over the place as a result of his ridiculously powerful biotic charge, followed by a full blown nova knocking back attackers in a massive arc of biotic energy.

And then, there Marco Shepard was – knee deep in geth and husks, shields depleted, shooting them at close range with his shotgun or delivering a few well placed punches if they ever got too close.

Kaidan had tried to assist him as best he could by raising protective barriers around him to replace his shields, literally pulling a few enemies off his back when things seemed too hot, but there had been way too many close calls for his taste.  

Shepard hadn't only been reckless; he had downright tempted fate down there! He had been engaged in some kind of graceful dance of life and death, as if he felt the need to send a challenge to the Grimm Reaper himself to dare try to stop him.

Still, the absolute abandon with which he fought was both terrifying and oddly beautiful - mesmerizing, even.  Kaidan had found himself deeply fascinated by it, despite his distress.

Shepard wasn't manipulating the dark energy.  He simply was the dark energy.  It came from deep within him and was suddenly unleashed upon the world with no thoughts of control or restraint.  The power he wielded felt very raw, pure, and out there.

It seemed oddly… liberating.  And Kaidan couldn't help but envy him.

It felt as if everything about his life revolved around the notion of control, and maintaining solid boundaries.  Even his own biotic abilities, which he'd been told were among the strongest the Alliance had ever seen, appeared to reflect that.

He could conjure up and maintain incredibly strong barriers, throw people and objects away from him, pull them back, and maintain them floating inside vast mass effect fields.  He could freeze a target, or even go as far as attacking someone else's whole nervous system.

He either put up strong defenses, or found ways to destroy them.  His specialty lay in getting past the many "walls" that other people put up to protect themselves.

But he always needed to feel that he was maintaining perfect control over what he was doing at all times.  Every move was calculated; every intention, deliberate.  He'd lost control once in the past, and he wasn't yet ready to get back there.  Even if that meant having to pull back a little and rely more on his technical skills than raw biotic powers.

However, considering what he'd seen back on Eden Prime, and what they appeared to be up against now, "pulling back" was simply no longer an option… and, to be frank, he didn't want to hold back. Not anymore.

Perhaps he was getting worried for nothing, and Shepard's anger over seeing what the geth had done to the colonists and the troops that had been stationed there was why he'd been acting so recklessly. At least Kaidan understood that notion – once the initial horror of having to shoot down colonists who had been turned into rabid, almost zombie-like forms had passed, all that was left was anger. Anger at the geth. Anger at that damn turian Spectre. Anger at themselves for being unable to prevent this.

Still… he'd been ready to go straight to Captain Anderson and formally request a transfer to another Alliance ship as soon as they'd gotten back to the Normandy. He'd nearly convinced himself; this was for his own sanity, and without that stability, there was no way he'd survive in the heat of battle.

Even then, his personal safety was in question as well. Watching after Shepard had distracted him, dividing his focus and making him forget about properly maintaining his own barriers.  And without Chief Williams' intervention, one of the geth would have gotten to him.

Kaidan was a soldier through and through, and he fully understood that every time they set foot off of the ship, there was always a chance that some of them might not make it back.  It was a reality that he'd long accepted and was fully willing to risk - and perhaps even give his life if it meant protecting others.  That wasn't the problem.

His problem was with the notion of people on his team getting injured or killed because they were following a near suicidal, out of control, reckless leader into battle.

Granted, Shepard had never actually asked or ordered him to watch his back to the point of getting distracted – he'd undertaken that task of his own accord.  But what else was he supposed to do? Let him take a round to the back because he was too reckless to maintain his shields?

Kaidan fought as a part of a team - he simply didn't know how not to.  That meant doing his best to ensure that everyone stayed safe, and that no one was left taking more fire than they ought to.

Having one person on his squad, even if he was their leader, jumping right into the heat of it and drawing all the fire on himself wasn't something that he knew how to deal with other than to instinctively try to "rescue" him.  Stop that damn train from wrecking itself, because it was clear he had no interest in slamming on the brakes.

So, yeah - he'd almost come to the conclusion that asking for a transfer was the best solution, before he ended up completely disregarding the chain of command and trying to knock some sense into a Commander whose sanity he was already beginning to question.

But then… then Shepard had to go and risk his life to keep him safe.  And now, he owed him.

It was more than that.  He'd seen the look in the other man's eyes when Jenkins had fallen before them.  The Commander may be reckless - crazy, even - but he still cared.  For his team, if not for himself. Losing Jenkins like that – a soldier under his command, someone he was supposed to lead and protect at all costs – caused a visible disturbance in the Commander that hadn't been there before. That was when the reckless behavior began, and Kaidan might have been inclined to pull him to a stop and ask if he was okay if they hadn't suddenly been thrown headfirst into a stream of attacking geth drones and rabid husks.

Perhaps Shepard simply didn't fully realize that the risks he was taking could end up affecting his whole squad as well.  Perhaps it was up to Kaidan to make him understand that - tactfully, of course - and preferably when his own emotions had settled down a little, and he could think more clearly.

For now, he'd found himself drawn to the med bay, silently watching over Shepard's unconscious form, waiting for him to awake.  Chakwas had assured him that he would be okay – there was hardly any physical damage beyond some bruising from his impact with the ground after the beacon had exploded.  His vitals were strong and stable; his brain activity didn't suggest any particular damage, besides the presence of atypical beta waves and an REM increase.  Was he dreaming?  And if he did, he had to wonder what about… Hopefully, he wasn't reliving anything from his past.

That was the other reason why Kaidan found himself willing to cut him some slack. At least, for now.  Seeing him looking so young and fragile lying there, it was easy to forget everything that the Commander Shepard had been through. Kaidan had seen his dossier before he'd even set foot on the Normandy – Mindoir born, his entire family slaughtered by batarians when he was only a teenager. An L3 biotic with enough raw power to rival an L2. The lone survivor of the Akuze disaster. N7 graduate. Maybe his fighting style was an indirect result of that.  Having survived so much, perhaps he had a tendency to forget that he was not invincible. Or maybe he just didn't care anymore.  Kaidan could only hope it was the former, because the latter…

'Why did you have to pull me out of the way?' he wondered, angry with himself for having been so careless.  Dr. Chakwas and Captain Anderson had both told him that there was no telling what the beacon really could have done to him if Shepard hadn't grabbed him and thrown him out of the way - if he could've been killed on the spot when it activated, instead.  Still, Kaidan couldn't shake the belief that it should've been him lying there instead of Shepard.  He'd been the one who had accidentally activated the damn thing, after all.  It was unfair that the Commander was the one paying the price for his mistake.

Life was rarely fair though, was it?

Now all any of them could do was wait for Shepard to wake up, and tell them what he could remember about what happened. Because until then, they were flying blind.

He took a few steps closer to the stretcher, resisting the urge to just try to shake him awake, or take his hand or… just do something.  Kaidan hated feeling so powerless.   He hated being forced to wait for things to just happen.  And how could such an unstoppable force of nature on the battlefield appear so small and vulnerable while asleep?  When he'd carried him back to the Normandy, he'd been surprisingly light in his arms, too…

Getting a transfer was no longer an option.  Crazy or not, it seemed that Marco Shepard had somehow managed to gain his allegiance, and that wasn't something that he was able to give lightly.

As Shepard began to slightly move, slowly coming to, Kaidan took a few steps backwards. In retrospect, waking up to find his Staff Lieutenant standing right above him, watching him sleep, wouldn't be the least bit creepy.

"Doctor?  Doctor Chakwas? I think he's waking up!" he called out, but still remained close by, wanting to, at the very least, make sure that he would be fine and get the chance to apologize for what happened with the beacon, before getting back to his other duties.

Shepard seemed to jerk back to life after a moment of shifting about, his eyes drifting open to stare directly up at the ceiling – he immediately winced at the sound of Kaidan's voice, however. Everything within his immediate range of vision was blurry and unrecognizable, a congealed mass of blues and grays. There was a dark shape to his right that he assumed was the Staff Lieutenant – he was fairly sure that was who had just spoken - and another shape was approaching from the far side of the room, footsteps clicking on the steel floor.

He shoved his elbows into the cot he was laying on, lifting himself up into a sitting position so he could swing his legs over the side – the sudden movement made him nauseous, however, and he had to stop himself from going any further. He hunched forward, rubbing his face with his hands and pressing his fingertips into his temples with a soft groan. His head felt like someone had driven a spike straight into the back of his neck and up through his skull, and he had a disgusting taste in his mouth. He swallowed heavily, before removing his hands and finally looking up to see Dr. Chakwas standing in front of him.

"You had us worried there, Shepard. How are you feeling?"

He rubbed the side of his face, trying not to grimace – her voice was just an octave too high for his headache. "Like the morning after shore leave," he finally muttered, lowering his hand and taking a moment to look around the room. He was suddenly and acutely aware of just how sore his entire body felt, like he'd played chicken with a krogan and lost. "How long was I out?"

A sympathetic look crossed the doctor's face as she looked down at him, and she crossed her arms. "About fifteen hours," she replied, before her eyes seemed to drift over his shoulder, towards the man standing behind him. "Something happened down there with the beacon, I think?"

"A little more than something," Shepard grumbled, hand going to rub the back of his head. He wasn't sure what had knocked him out first – the imagery overload, or the back of his head colliding with the ground at top speed. Regardless, he immediately regretted touching his fingertips to the base of his skull and drew them away with a sharp hiss of pain. He probably had a ridiculous bruise showing right through the thin sheen of buzzed hair.

Chakwas immediately reached forward and pulled his hand away from the bruise on the back of his head, clicking her tongue disapprovingly at him. "You'd be better off not touching that one, Commander. You hit your head pretty hard – you're lucky you didn't end up with a concussion, or worse, a broken implant," she said, releasing his hand and stooping down to look directly into his eyes, hand tilting his chin upwards. "Hmm. No pupil dilation. I think it's safe to say you don't have to worry about anything worse than a bad headache for the next few hours."

"It's my fault. I must've triggered some kind of security field when I approached it," came the voice from behind him again, and he had to turn his head to glance back over his shoulder. The movement made his head reel a bit and he blinked a few times to keep from getting dizzy. At this angle he could just barely see Kaidan standing a few paces to his rear, arms crossed and expression too difficult to read. "You had to push me out of the way."

Shepard sighed, closing his eyes for a moment and trying to gauge his response. A small part of him was annoyed with Kaidan for getting too close to the beacon and nearly getting the both of them killed, but the rest of him didn't care at this point. It was done and over with and they were both still alive. Reprimanding the lieutenant wasn't going to accomplish anything, especially when he couldn't truthfully say he wouldn't have done the same thing in his situation.

"You had no way to know what would happen," he finally said, choosing his words carefully, opening his eyes and finally getting a decent look at his lieutenant without his vision obscured by post-head-trauma blurriness. He saw what could have been a relieved look flit across the man's expression, but it was gone as fast as it came.

"Actually, we don't even know if that's what set it off," Dr. Chakwas suddenly said, drawing Shepard's attention away from Kaidan and back towards her again. She reached up to brush a lock of silver-streaked hair behind her ear, looking to the side with a somewhat uncomfortable expression. "Unfortunately we'll never get the chance to find out."

"What?" A genuinely confused look crossed Shepard's face, and he sat up straight when he realized she was looking over his shoulder again, as though expecting Kaidan to elaborate. He turned back to see the staff lieutenant had finally moved, walking around to stand next to Chakwas.

"The beacon exploded. A system overload, maybe," he explained, and seemed to falter when an alarmed look crossed Shepard's face. He didn't even remember the thing exploding. In retrospect an explosion was about the only thing with enough force to hurl him into the ground that hard, but that was the last thing on his mind. He didn't say anything, however, allowing him to continue. "The blast knocked you cold. Williams and I had to carry you back here to the ship."

Well, he did the actual carrying and Williams brought back his helmet and weapons, but that wasn't something that Kaidan felt the Commander really needed to know…

"I…" Shepard struggled for words for a moment – he wasn't sure what to say at this point. The colony had been razed, Nihlus and Jenkins were dead, and now the one thing they'd gone there to retrieve was destroyed. He felt like he was beating his head against a wall just trying to wrap his mind around how exactly this was going to look in a report, so he chose to focus on something else. "I appreciate it."

Kaidan only nodded in response, though Shepard got the distinct feeling he wanted to say more. Chakwas stopped him, however.

"Aside from some bruising, physically you're fine. But I detected some… unusual brain activity. Abnormal beta waves. I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement," she explained, pausing to give Shepard a look that was all too knowing. "Signs typically associated with intense dreaming."

Shepard had to cast his eyes downwards, staring at a spot on the floor between their feet – now that they were staring directly at him, waiting for a magical answer that would explain everything that had happened, he found eye contact a bit too difficult to maintain. He sat in silence for a long moment, trying to recall what exactly he had seen – the beacon had grabbed hold of him and lifted him straight into the air like he was nothing more than a piece of paper, and any thought of trying to struggle free was gone when the images hit him.

He couldn't think of a way to put it into words. It was like some kind of twisted, broken film reel burning its images directly into his brain – he remembered the screaming, so much screaming, to the point that he couldn't hear anything but. Blood running everywhere, images stained dark red. Mutilation and death. Just trying to remember summoned the images in his mind again and he had to lean forward, hands going to cover his face as he tried to bring his thoughts back under control again. He could still hear the screaming echoing in his ears. Something about the images was conjuring up this debilitating feeling of despair deep in the pit of his stomach, and it was all he could do not to get sick.

"I saw…" he began, realizing his voice was shaking and taking a deep breath to steady himself once again, lowering his hands and forcing on a straight face. "I'm not sure what I saw. Death… destruction… Nothing's really clear."

Great, now they were both looking at him like he was brain damaged. Maybe he was.

"Hmm," Chakwas hummed, looking him over thoughtfully. "I better add this to my report. It may—Oh! Captain Anderson," her eyes snapped upwards, looking past Shepard as the door on the opposite end of the med bay swished open. Shepard immediately slid into a standing position, straightening his posture as the Captain walked into the room, surveying the three people standing there with his hands clasped behind his back. He turned to Chakwas first.

"How's our XO holding up, Doctor?"

"All the readings look normal," she replied, shooting a slight smile in Shepard's direction. "I'd say the Commander's going to be fine."

Anderson nodded in approval. "Glad to hear it," he said, before turning his attention towards Shepard. "Shepard, I need to speak with you," he said, before his gaze fell on Kaidan and Chakwas, "In private."

Kaidan took the hint immediately, giving the Captain a stiff salute. "Aye aye, Captain. I'll be in the mess if you need me."

He and Chakwas immediately exited the room without a second thought, the door swishing closed behind them, leaving Shepard and Anderson alone in the med bay.

'At least that went well...' Kaidan thought, feeling relieved that the Commander had almost fully recovered, a few bruises and strained muscles aside, and grateful that he didn't appear to hold him responsible for the whole mess with the beacon.  Perhaps he'd sensed that Kaidan was already beating himself over it enough as it was, and had the kindness not to add more to his guilt.

He sat down at one of the tables and rested his head in his hands, closing his eyes and slowly massaging his temples in an effort to make the slowly building headache go away.  Sometimes, it helped…  At other times, there wasn't much he could do.

"I could probably give you something a bit stronger for that, let you sleep it off," Dr. Chakwas offered helpfully, sitting across the table from him. "When's the last time you took any analgesic?"

"Not since a few hours before the mission," he answered, "though I'm not sure that I really feel like getting drugged up right now.  I…  uh…  it'll probably pass if I just wait a bit."

The doctor didn't seem all that convinced, however.  Sometimes, he swore that she reminded him of his mother.  "You've been standing watch in the med bay for the better part of the last fifteen hours.  You should get some rest."

"Yeah well, so have you," he shot back, trying to deflect the attention from the subject.  He really wasn't in the mood to listen to reason right now.

"I'm the ship's doctor, Alenko.  It's my job to watch over my patients," she answered, clearly wondering why she even had to argue with him.  "Besides, I wasn't the one that came back from a long, perilous mission carrying a full grown man in my arms.  You're just being stubborn."

Kaidan let out a tired chuckle.  "Yeah…" he admitted, though he chose not to add that he had way too much on his mind right now to consider being able to get any actual rest.  Thankfully, Karin seemed to pick up right on that.

"How are you holding up?" she asked, her tone a bit softer.  She knew that Jenkins and Kaidan had been close.  His good natured, enthusiastic personality had eventually managed to win the Lieutenant over. He had a way of making him act a lot more relaxed in his presence.

She remembered the time when Jenkins had convinced him to "push him over" using his biotics, and Chakwas had been amazed to watch Kaidan comply - especially given his past history.

Lieutenant Alenko wasn't someone that enjoyed showing off, but he'd done it simply to make the other man happy.  At first, she'd worried that he'd underestimated the strength of his throw and that Jenkins had gotten hurt; but no, he'd been perfectly fine.  Then again, Kaidan had a pretty good grasp of his abilities.  He'd probably made it to look impressive, while actually absorbing much of Jenkins' fall.

Losing Jenkins was obviously hard on everyone, including herself.  She did, after all, care for all these soldiers as if they were her very own children.  But considering how remote Kaidan tended to be, the loss of such a good friend was probably even worse for him.

"As well as can be expected," Kaidan answered truthfully.  "I don't think it has really hit yet, and I'm not looking forward to when it does."  

Worrying for the Commander's safety, and sanity, had actually been a welcomed distraction, all things considered.  It had prevented him from thinking too much about everything else that had just happened.  Let the horror and tragedy of it sink in when the time came.

"I think it's good that we have another biotic around now," Dr. Chakwas said. It was obvious that she was hoping that it would encourage Kaidan to open up to the rest of the crew a bit more.  Perhaps make new friends, especially if he knew there was someone around just like him. He might not be as inclined to section himself off as much.

"About that…  Do you have any idea where the Commander got his training?" he wondered, frowning a bit.  He wasn't ready to share his concerns about Shepard with other members of the crew yet, but he was curious to find out as much as he could about him.

Chakwas shrugged in response. "My understanding is that his abilities manifested pretty late in his teens, after the slaver attack on Mindoir.  Some have even wondered if the trauma of those events is what ended up triggering them."

'Hopefully, they won't start sending batarian slavers after remote human colonies out there to test that theory,' Kaidan briefly thought, remembering the increase in cases of "accidental" in utero eezo exposures once it had been identified as a trigger for the emergence of human biotics.  Of course, Shepard would have needed to develop eezo nodules in his body prior to the slaver attack at some point, possibly by secondary exposure.  But the idea that there could be more "dormant" biotic potentials out there only needing a good shock to their nervous system to activate their abilities would make companies like the late Conatix Industries salivate.

"But I don't believe that he's ever had any formal training to speak of," Dr. Chakwas went on to explain, "He was outfitted with an L3 implant shortly before enlisting in the Alliance, and by the time he became a soldier, had proven already quite efficient at using his biotics in specific combat situations." She frowned, noticing the pensive look on Kaidan's features. "Why?  Is there something I should know?"

The Lieutenant shook his head slowly, trying to avoid provoking another flare up by moving too fast. "No…  I just thought that his display of biotic powers out there was rather…  uh…  impressive."  Well, at least that wasn't a complete lie.  Though perhaps he should have added "just keep the med bay ready and well stocked for more of his post-mission visits" in order to give her a bit of a heads up.  Maybe it would also be a good idea to start carrying a few extra packs of medi-gel, too.  Considering that he had the most field medical training out of all of the marines on the ship, he'd have to remember that.

"Well, I guess that's my cue," Dr. Chakwas said, watching as Captain Anderson and the Commander stepped out of the med bay following their discussion. She rose from her seat, but paused long enough to turn back to Kaidan. "Just tell me you'll try to, at the very least, get some rest before we reach our next destination," she added, her previous concern returning.

Kaidan nodded. "I will…  I just want to see if there's anything that the Commander needs me to do first."

Satisfied with his answer, she made her way back to the med bay with a nod towards the two officers exiting the room, while Kaidan stood up and went to stand by the corridor, waiting to see if Shepard would feel the need to come talk to him.

Shepard paused at the doorway to the med bay, watching as the Captain crossed the crew deck and disappeared into his quarters. He released a heavy sigh after a moment, reaching up with a hand to massage his forehead. The med bay had been dark and fairly quiet, but now that he was out in the main part of the ship, he was suddenly aware of how bright the lights were and how loud the ship was. He briefly entertained the idea of slipping back into the med bay for a few hours, at least until his headache had gone away, but knew he couldn't afford the luxury.

He had too much on his mind right now. Speaking with Anderson had only confirmed his worries – the situation was about as bad as it could get, and most of that was resting on his shoulders. He knew he would need to take responsibility for the mistakes that were made, but he wasn't looking forward to the debriefing at the Citadel. He could only hope that the Council would listen to them and do something about that turian Spectre, Saren. Then the mission might not have been a complete and utter failure.

He was having a hard time wrapping his head around just how disastrous the mission had been. He'd led squads before – hell, his final test during N7 training had been to lead a small squad into batarian territory and rescue a downed civilian transport – so he'd assumed this would be an easy task in comparison. Alenko and Jenkins were trained soldiers who already knew how to take care of themselves, and that was more than what he'd been forced to work with before. And yet here he was, with one crewmember dead and a failed mission on his hands. His N7 program instructors would be shaking their heads at him right about now.

He immediately regretted not actually pausing to get to know the men he'd be working with before they embarked on their first mission together. Personally, he favored speaking with his teammates before heading into battle with them – to get a feel for what kind of people they were, how they viewed themselves and how they fit into the missions to come. The more understanding he had of the people he was supposed to lead, the better he felt he could instruct them and prioritize their movements on the battlefield.

In this case he'd only spoken to Jenkins maybe twice. The first time had been a quick greeting and handshake while waiting for the Normandy to leave the port at Arcturus Station for the first time. The second had been right before the mission. Jenkins had been enthusiastic, gung-ho, and foolhardy. He'd found it amusing to some extent, but had made it a point to warn him to be careful and avoid that enthusiastic stupidity on the battlefield. He'd seen better marines with that "itching for action" mentality go down in a firefight without a sound.

Maybe that should have been a red flag. But, no, he couldn't blame Jenkins' death on his attitude. Jenkins had died following Shepard's orders – he'd been the one to tell him to move forward when they hadn't been entirely sure what to expect up ahead. If the blame rested on anyone's shoulders, it was Shepard's. That thought did absolutely nothing to comfort him.

He looked up from where he'd paused at the med bay doors, eyes sweeping the crew deck. He realized that Kaidan was still standing in the mess hall, leaning against the partition and somewhat deliberately looking anywhere but at Shepard. He knew Kaidan had other duties to attend to beyond standing around in the mess, so he could only assume he was waiting around to speak to someone. Captain Anderson had already gone to his quarters and Dr. Chakwas had reentered the med bay the moment they had stepped out, so he could only assume he was waiting for him.

Breathing out a soft sigh and pausing a moment longer to rub his forehead, he lowered his hand and stepped away from the med bay doors, approaching Kaidan. The lieutenant seemed to straighten up almost immediately when he realized Shepard was walking towards him.

"Waiting for someone, Lieutenant?"

"I just wanted to make sure you were really okay, Commander.  Losing Jenkins was hard on the crew.  And I'm glad we didn't lose you, too," he said sincerely, doing his best to keep an open attitude and not let his weariness show.  Shepard appeared to be just as beat as he was, though.  Apparently, being out of it for a bit over half a day wasn't as refreshing as one might be lead to believe.  Or maybe he'd received some more bad news from Captain Anderson…

A hint of a smile quirked at the corners of Shepard's lips, his weary expression dropping for a moment – he obviously didn't want to worry Kaidan with whatever Anderson had just spoken to him about. After all, he'd done enough worrying for the both of them if his demeanor meant anything.

"I'll survive. But I appreciate your concern," he replied, crossing his arms and trying not to let on that he was surprised his lieutenant had actually stuck around just to make sure he was okay. He had to wonder just how long he'd been standing watch in the med bay. He assumed it had been out of duty or a need to accept responsibility for Shepard's injuries, but he couldn't help but feel at least a little bit grateful. He'd only been on one mission with the lieutenant and he was already showing more loyalty than men he'd spent entire tours with. "Things were pretty rough down there. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, you never get used to seeing dead civilians.  Doesn't seem right, somehow.  But at least you stopped Saren from wiping out the whole colony," he began, only to realize that Shepard still appeared to be looking at him expectantly.  It suddenly occurred to him that the Commander had asked the question on a more personal level, and wasn't looking for a technical assessment of the situation.  "I…  uh…  I'll be fine, sir," he added, shifting a bit.  "And next time we find ourselves in front of some kind of giant alien device, I promise to keep my distance unless instructed otherwise.  I won't let you down again," he vowed.  As far as first impressions with a superior officer went, he'd certainly done better.

Shepard shook his head, chuckling under his breath. "Here's hoping we don't have to deal with any more giant alien devices," he added, reaching up to rub the back of his neck – he was still sore from the impact with the ground, but the pain appeared to be fading for the most part. "All things considered, you were pretty impressive down there, Lieutenant. I know fighting under a new Commander requires a period of adjustment. Especially when his techniques are a bit… unorthodox." He paused for a moment, crossing his arms again and shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "Either way. I couldn't have done it without you."

Seeing Shepard chuckle made him relax a bit.  "We're marines.  We stick together," he replied, trying to make it clear that to him, teamwork and watching each other's back was what being a soldier was all about. "I guess you could say that I've had experience with pretty… uh… unorthodox situations before…" he trailed off, not exactly wanting to elaborate on that thought for now.  "Though I'd really consider it a personal favor if you could try minding your shields a bit more, sir."  

He hoped that he wasn't being too out of line, but he felt like he just had to say something.  "Look, I…  I feel honored to be given the opportunity to serve under your command, but after just losing a friend and nearly getting you killed myself…  I just want to make sure that we're not taking any unnecessary risks."  Damnit Alenko, you're actually making it sound worse! "I trust you, sir.  I'm just sorry we lost Jenkins."

Shepard's eyebrows shot upwards in surprise, clearly taken aback by the boldness of Kaidan's response. "I don't consider any risk unnecessary if people's lives are on the line. That comes with the territory of being a soldier. You've seen how I fight, Alenko. I don't hold back, because I can't expect the enemy to do so. Being a vanguard-class biotic is risky business. I wouldn't have done the training if I didn't expect it to be dangerous," he replied, unable to keep from frowning. This wasn't new to him – he'd had subordinates in the past who were overly concerned with how dangerous his fighting style was. Though he had to admire that Kaidan was one of the few willing to tell him to his face. He could sense that he regretted saying it aloud, however, and immediately changed the subject to clear the awkward discomfort that had suddenly settled between the two. "I didn't realize you and Jenkins were that close. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to save him…"

As Shepard spoke, Kaidan actually found himself having to bite the inside of his mouth to keep quiet.  Of course, the Commander's reaction was to be expected…  And he also knew that the man would never have completed the N7 program if his instructors had believed him to be a public menace.  However, he couldn't shake the feeling deep in his gut that something here wasn't right.  There was a fine line between taking risks, and ignoring the risks; between not holding back, and not caring.

Speaking his mind had gotten him into trouble more than once though, and he was lucky if he hadn't managed to antagonize a superior officer… again.  Some part of him felt like the appropriate response in this situation would be to apologize; yet another part of him still held the belief that he shouldn't have to apologize for speaking the truth.  Maybe he was worrying for nothing.  Maybe.  He actually hoped that he was.  However, he still considered it his duty to make sure that everyone stayed safe.  Sentinels were trained to assess the risks and find ways to minimize them.  Be it by weakening the enemy's defenses, or strengthening their own.

So while he found himself unable to apologize, he had the sense to, at the very least, try to appear respectfully contrite and keep quiet.  That was probably the best he could offer under the circumstances.  After all, Shepard had given him a compliment, and he'd answered by raising doubts regarding his methods.  Things could've gone a lot worse…  After everything that had happened, the Commander didn't deserve this kind of behavior from him.

"I was there, you did everything right.  It was just bad luck," he replied sincerely.  At least that much was true.  When it came to giving orders to his squad and organizing the offensive, or pulling them back on the defensive, there wasn't much that Kaidan could reproach him about.  As far as he was concerned, whatever had gone wrong down there couldn't be blamed on the Commander, and he'd make sure that his own report would fully reflect that.

"It's been a hell of a shakedown cruise," he reflected, realizing that everyone had been kind of thrown right in the heat of it without being given the chance to get acquainted.  Especially Shepard, since Kaidan was lucky enough to have served with some members of the crew before.  "Our first mission ends with one Spectre killing another.  The Citadel Council is not going to be happy about that; probably use it to lever more concessions out of the Alliance."

An impressed look crossed Shepard's face. "You've got a good grasp of the situation," he responded. It was rare to find anyone in the lower ranks that cared in the slightest how the system worked. Most of the men he'd served with weren't exactly "soldiers for life" material. Granted, Kaidan was a Staff Lieutenant, so he had to have some sort of ambition and interest to make it that far. "You a career man?"

"Yeah, a lot of biotics are. People like you and me – we're unrestricted, but we sure don't go undocumented, you know?" Kaidan said, receiving a nod of agreement from Shepard – he knew that all too well. "May as well get a paycheck for it."

Shepard gave a short laugh, shaking his head slightly. "At this point that's about all we can do. I'm starting to think that the Alliance is the only place that even wants our kind," he said, expression faltering for a second before he quickly changed the subject. "But that can't be the only reason why you joined, right?"

For a second there, Kaidan looked troubled.  He didn't know how much the Commander really knew about his past, and if he'd had the time to read his file, or…  Even there, he knew that some of the facts about him had been understandably classified by the Alliance in order to avoid any form of reprisal.  Either way, there were some things that he wasn't quite ready to discuss.  At least, not yet.  

For all the rumors he'd heard about Commander Shepard being some kind of hard ass, the man was surprisingly open and easy to talk to.  He also seemed genuinely interested in his thoughts and opinions.  Kaidan had never been the kind of person to put much faith into rumors anyway.  He preferred to rely on his own observations.  And so far, he'd seen Shepard treat his subordinates with nothing but consideration and respect.  To him, that spoke much louder about the kind of man he was than whatever scuttlebutt had to say about it.

"Just hoping to make a difference, I guess…" he replied noncommittally, looking away and rubbing the back of his neck.  "Besides, my father served.  Made him proud when I enlisted…" he trailed off a bit, trying to chase back painful memories.  "Eventually."

"So, any other particular reason why you're here, besides the career opportunity?" he asked, a bit too eager to deviate the attention from himself…  before immediately realizing that the Commander may not want to be put on the spot, either.  The least he could do was try to offer him a way out. "I mean…  I don't believe that biotically flipping burgers on some Citadel restaurant would carry as much excitement. And last I heard, the asari weren't exactly hiring…" The possibilities for biotics to put their skills to good use professionally were indeed rather narrow.  And even when they chose to have a job that had nothing to do with their abilities, they were often met with distrust.  Sadly, not all of it was entirely unfounded.

Shepard looked away for a moment, seemingly looking at something on the wall to their left and trying to think of a proper response. "I think it was mostly the incentives," he finally said with a slight shrug, smiling a bit. "It's not like I had anywhere else to go at that point." He faltered, before clearing his throat as a means of forcing a subject change once again. "Either way, I'm happy where I'm at. I'm a bit like you; I enjoy making a difference."

"Right," Kaidan said, feeling like they'd reached a bit of a dead end in the conversation.  It seemed like at some point in time, they'd both ended up lost and had eventually found their way to the Alliance, somehow… but neither felt the need to elaborate on that.  And that was okay.  At least, as far as Kaidan was concerned, he didn't mind having to take his time to get to know someone.  Especially when that person seemed to be worth the effort.

"Word is we're heading for the Citadel, sir," he stated, bringing in another topic.  "Can you uh… tell me why?"

Shepard sighed softly, rubbing the side of his neck. There was no point in keeping it a secret. Besides, he was going to have to bring the Lieutenant with him for the hearing so they could get everyone's side of the story that was involved. "The Captain hopes the Ambassador can get an audience with the Council. Tell them what Saren's been up to," he explained, trying to keep the disdain out of his voice. He hated politicians and everything that had to do with them, but Kaidan didn't need to know that. "Right now our priority is to bring down Saren before he causes more trouble. So long as we can do that, then maybe this mission wasn't a complete disaster."

"The Council would probably like to know he's not working for them anymore," Kaidan agreed, though he didn't quite share Shepard's feelings on that last part.  "As far as the mission being a disaster, I'd say we're still a step ahead of where we were a few hours ago, sir.  I don't think that any of us could've been able to anticipate how everything went down back there, including Nihlus, and he is…  was," he corrected himself,  "a Spectre." He found himself feeling the need to make sure that the Commander wouldn't be taking all of this on himself, for some reason.  "Whatever happens, we'll be ready, Commander."

Shepard nodded in response. "We'll be at the Citadel in a few minutes, so I suggest getting prepared for the debriefing," he said, before going to step out of the cafeteria area where they'd paused to speak. He stopped, however, turning back to address the lieutenant. "I enjoyed speaking with you, Lieutenant," he said, a slight smile working its way across his lips.

He didn't wait for a response, however, immediately turning away and walking down the corridor, disappearing up the staircase that would take him to the bridge and leaving Kaidan to stand in the mess, thinking over everything that had just been said.